Messy People

Why am I not more comfortable with being a mess? I think somewhere in my deluded mind I actually believe that I can get it together in this lifetime. Sometimes I catch myself actually thinking that for the most part I do a pretty good job, and don't have a lot of rough edges. Then I do something that reminds me that I am still a broken man who struggles.

Not long ago I watched a movie called "Reign Over Me" with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. First off I was stunned that Sandler is such a good dramatic actor. After 10 or so movies mostly filled with potty humor (we use the word potty in my house now with 2 kids), I assumed that is all he could do. Yet, this movie had me riveted within the first few minutes.

The story is about 2 dentists. Cheadle is the successful one whose whole life has become work. Sandler is the exact opposite. His character lost his entire family in the 9-11 attacks, and he has never recovered. He was once a successful dentist, but now he has regressed to a recluse who seems to have the mindset of a thirteen year old. In short he is a mess. The film centers around Cheadle's character's pursuit of Sandler, and his attempts to help this broken man heal.

What amazed me was how Cheadle kept pursuing Sandler despite the messiness that ensued. He never gave up, no matter how many times Sandler freaked out or retreated to his shell. It was powerful, and it was convicting for me. It was also powerful to see how through the course of the film Cheadle saw just how much mess was in his own life.

I spend an enormous amount of time in life trying to avoid mess. Mess in my own life and mess in the life of others. Mess makes me nervous, it feels out of control and risky. I want things neat and tidy, so that nothing is required of me...especially faith. What I am starting to learn is that life is about living in the mess. Because the mess ain't going away. It might get slightly better over time, but it is never going away this side of heaven.

In those brief moments when I truly accept the reality of my mess then I can see my need for Jesus. If the truth be told I love Him, but I don't want to have to need Him. I want to be okay on my own. I don't want to have to believe I am such a big mess that I need Him every day. Realizing your a mess means you need, and it also calls out your faith. We have 2 choices....either deny the mess exists, or accept the fact and hold onto Jesus for dear life with both hands.

I think that Don Cheadle's character was a powerful shadowy glimpse of God's heart. God pursues us in the midst of our mess. He is not shocked or grossed out by our mess. He understands we're broken humans that break things as we stumble around trying to get a grip on our world. He is not deterred by our mess.

In fact, I think he's more understanding of my mess than I am.

The Price of a Heart Alive

Being a counselor, other people's pain, my own pain, and the uncertainty of life can get the best of me. I have to admit I work hard to stay ahead of that stuff most of the time, and that is not always a good thing. But sometimes I just can't run fast enough, and it all washes over me. So, I sort of just sat there yesterday in a stunned silence.

I did have one lucid thought. It was, "to have a heart that is alive means that you will feel pain." Not exactly rocket science, but it hit me in a new way. There is a price to pay if you are going to be engaged with your own heart, and with life. It means that you will feel pain, and at times to an excruciating level.

I have spent a great deal of my life managing pain, and basically trying not to feel. Frankly, I still spend more energy doing that than I'd like to admit. When I decided to stop "managing" my pain through busyness, various addictions, and straight out denial something happened. I hurt! Exactly what I had been trying to avoid!

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

The whole thing reminded me of the scene in the Matrix where Morpheus presents Neo with the choice between the blue pill and the red pill. The blue pill meant very little pain, but it also meant a life asleep. The red pill would wake a person up to real life, and free them to truly live. It also meant that pain and suffering was felt in new and deeper ways unlike that experienced in the Matrix. Morpheus tells Neo, that he is only offering the truth, he gives no promises of a pain free experience.

I am still wrestling with how and why God uses pain. For now I know it leads me to think in terms of a larger reality....that this existence is not the end game. It also makes me hope for a better place, a true home. CS Lewis captured this hope when he wrote: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."