Weak Men Breed "Cougars"

There is a trend in our culture today that has been bothering me for some time. It is women becoming cougars. Now for the 3 people that don't know what that means, let me explain. A cougar is an older woman (say in her 40's) going after a much younger man (say in his early 20's). This trend has become so mainstream there is a new show on ABC called Cougar Town. It stars Courtney Cox as a divorced mom who starts chasing younger men.


Now let me go on record with something right off: I am 100% for women being empowered. In fact I think strong women have and continue to make an important impact on our world. Also, I think a strong woman is extremely attractive. Throughout our marriage my wife has become stronger and stronger. As she has gotten stronger and more willing to call me out on my crap she has become more and more attractive to me. Her strength has also helped to guide our family, and frankly kept me from making some pretty dumb decisions. So, again I believe women are to be empowered. Let me also say that I think older men pursuing significantly younger women is just as disastrous as "cougarism" (my word). But for now I just want to focus on older women and younger men.

Growing up I had two experiences with cougars. Both happened later in high school and both were women that I trusted. Most people (especially guys) would probably think this was a dream come true to have an older woman pursuing you sexually. Let me say clearly that it wasn't. It was confusing and ultimately violating. At the time as a teenager I didn't have the words or emotional categories to really grasp what was going on. Frankly, in both cases I ran like a scared rabbit.

I really believe that this growing trend toward cougars comes as a result of weak men. I believe women have their part to own as well. Still, I believe that whenever there is a problem in the world, within a marriage, etc. men should be the first ones to own up to their part.

Throughout history men have done a terrible job of empowering women. This goes for the secular world as well as the church. We have not encouraged the strength of women, nor helped to foster it. We have also become extremely passive. We don't pursue women well, and we don't engage the deeper parts of their soul. This has left a great deal of women feeling both rejected and demeaned. This all boils down to fear. The fear is that if a woman is strong then it will call us to more as men. It is intimidating when my wife is not afraid to ask for what she needs from me. Because when she does I am forced to look at where I am being selfish or neglectful. Who wants to do that, right? Yet, it is what I need most as a man. I need a woman who can stand toe to toe and shoulder to shoulder. Because it doesn't allow me to sit on my butt and be passive.

Now the backlash to weak men has been a false model of feminine strength. Cougarism is a glaring example of this idea. Rather than being equal with a man cougarism is the desire to be more powerful than a man. And that is easy to do when you find one who is less mature. Maturity equals power. If I am older and more mature than you, I will be more powerful than you.

Cougarism pretends to provide two things for a woman. The first is that it means she never has to be in a place of weakness. She has all the power in the relationship because she is more mature. Second, she never has to risk rejection. As the more mature pursuer she doesn't have to wait on the man to seek out her heart. This is attractive because most women have waited and hoped for a man to pursue their hearts only to be left feeling forgotten.

To wrap up this trend of cougars worries me. Not because I am against women empowered, but because I believe it is damaging to both women and young men. Women need and deserve a man at their level who will pursue them, love them, and call them to more. Young men are not a challenge emotionally and that is what makes them attractive to a woman wounded by a misogynistic culture. And young men are frankly not mature enough to handle the emotional needs of an older woman.

More thoughts to come on this I'm sure. In the meantime I've put a link here to the latest episode of Cougar Town. What shook me to the core was the sequence near the end when two cougars talk about the smell of "wounded boy." I encourage you to watch for the themes I've been talking about.

The Temptation of Cynicism

Today I was challenged with the notion of cynicism. I have been reading a book by Paul Miller called The Praying Life. In it Miller writes, "Cynicism and defeated weariness have this in common: they both question the active goodness of God on our behalf." That phrase struck me because I find myself going to cynicism quickly when difficulties arise. I start asking questions like, "God if you loved me why would you let this happen?"

After reading the chapter in Miller's book I picked up where I had left off in 1 Sammuel about the life of David. I read two stories. The first was about David and Nabal. This is where David cares for Nabal's flocks only to be insulted and rejected by him. The next story was about the second time David had a chance to kill King Saul. Here was the man that had made David's life a living hell laying asleep before him. Rather than kill him David spared his life saying, "Don't kill him. For who can remain innocent after attacking the Lord's annointed one?"

If anyone had a reason to be cynical it would be David. Here was a man annoited as king, and for seven years he was chased and treated like a criminal by Saul and others. Yet even in through all of these struggles he never lost his heart for God. He was honest about how he felt, but he always came back to honoring God. David was not a cynic.

David seemed to have a bigger picture in mind. Rather than allowing suffering to drive him to cynicism; he was more concerned with who God was and what he was doing. Even when he had a chance to kill Saul he spared him and believed that someday God would make good on his promises.

Cynicism is a temptating place to which we can retreat. Having been there I can say that it is a lonely place that drains the soul. It is a place where the heart refuses to risk, and forgets the larger story God is telling. It's a place where we become more focused on disappointment instead of the holiness God is producing through trials.

I hope to stay out of that place with the help of God and others.

The Honeymoon is Over

Over the last several weeks something has become abundantly clear to me. In anything there is a honeymoon period, and that eventually ends. This is true in relationships, business ventures, having kids, or launching a ministry.


Coming out to Colorado last year was the beginning of the honeymoon period for me. I loaded up the family in a covered wagon (metaphorically speaking) and headed out west. The only thing in front of me was hope, mountains, and the promise of what might be. It was exciting to think about all the amazing things that could happen. What would my practice look like? What would it be like to work with Training Ground and mentor men in the outdoors? What new places would the family and I get to discover? It was intoxicating and the momentum carried me along like a river. Then about 3 months ago the honeymoon was over.

My practice numbers took a hit and things frankly got tough. Instead of the mountains calling out to me, they started to mock me. The fears started to rush in. Can I do this? Was I stupid to come out here? If this doesn't work out what am I going to do? Am I the head of the Donner party rather than Daniel Boone?

The honeymoon always ends. Always. It did in my relationship with Sara. The first 6 months of our marriage we were so enamored with each other I would have told you I loved the way she chewed her food. Then reality set in and we had to start dealing with each other's baggage. Had we stopped there and said, okay this isn't going to work we wouldn't be together today.

In John 16:33 Jesus said "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." There is some hope here for when the honeymoon is over.

First, Jesus is saying that he knows that hardship is inevitable. I don't take nearly enough comfort as I should in the fact that God knows and understands what we deal with in our lives. Jesus knew and understood hardship. He was a man without a home, he was misunderstood by family, he had no steady paycheck, and he had men trying to kill him.

Secondly, I take from this that hardship doesn't necessarily mean you have done something wrong, or have taken a wrong turn on the path of life. Jesus was talking to the disciples in this passage. These were men who had followed him and left behind everything. These were men of faith who were doing what God had called them to do. Still, Jesus said they were going to run into problems. That is the reality of living in a broken world.

Finally, Jesus is saying that He trumps trouble. Whatever problems come at us God's determination to love us supersedes them all. This means that hardships are subordinate to God's mission to care for us.

Father, help me my unbelief. Give me the faith to trust that your love for me as a son is bigger than the trouble that is inveitable in this life.

Training Ground Fall 2009 Trip

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Hardship and Perseverance

What is the purpose of difficulty in life? I have been asking myself that question a lot these days. Very often when things get hard I can go to "God's asleep at the switch." If He really cared then why would he allow trouble and hardship into my life? It has brought me to wrestle with the verse in Romans 5:3-4, "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

What I am starting to understand is that character and growth cannot happen without suffering. It is a lot like lifting weights. When you lift weights you are literally tearing your muscles. As the body repairs them they become stronger and larger. This doesn't happen unless they are stressed and pushed in ways that normal everyday life doesn't require.

Recently, I picked up the book Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell. Luttrell is a Navy Seal, and the book is his account of a tragic battle in the mountains of Afghanistan. He spends the first half of the book talking about his experience in the Navy's BUD/S (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL) Training. This is a 3 month course that involves a 48 hour exercise called "hell week." As I read about the literal hell these men go through I couldn't help but wonder,"is it really necessary?" Why do these men have to go through such a brutal experience? The answer was simple to Marcus Luttrell, "if you can take Hell Week and beat it, you can do any damn thing in the world."

I am starting to understand that God uses difficulty to build us and prepare us just like BUD/S training prepares the Navy Seals to go into the toughest battles in the world. Without being faced with hardship I doubt many of us would naturally seek out growth. Even if we did it would not be to the level that hardship creates.

Hardship is evidence of God's constant commitment to father and train us. Train us for the things he has already planned for us. Train us for the battle that comes from living in a world ravaged by sin. Train us to have the courage to move into life situations that loom over us like a 20,000 ft. peak.

This is why the author of Hebrews commands us to rejoice when we experience God's discipline (chapter 12). Hardship and suffering is not proof of an absent or neglectful God. Rather it is preparation that proves we are truly loved.

The Pull of Status Quo

Yesterday I was driving home and I found myself longing for the status quo. Being a counselor and working for a ministry means you may not have the same paycheck every week, and you never know what to expect from one day to the next. The work is so rewarding, but the unknown can take a toll. Part of me, for a moment, longed to be back in a world of cubicles. A place where I can predict what is going to happen each day, and don't expect any surprises. Now I know that being in that world would kill my soul. Still, if I am honest part of me doesn't want the adventure that I am experiencing now because it requires so much trust in God.

Back in Exodus God's people struggled with the same thing. In chapter 14 they told Moses, "Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"(EX 14:12). After reading that I am thinking they want to go back to slavery? But then I remember how scary it can be having to trust God. See back in Egypt it was miserable, but it was predictable. They knew when the water girl would come by, and they probably knew how to avoid the slavemaster's whip. There was no guess work, and there was no risk. But in the desert following God's call there was plenty of risk. They had to get up each morning and depend on God to come through for water, food, and direction. Frankly, it is scary depending on something besides your own knowledge and abilities.

The status quo is a safe place for most of us. It promises no risk, but it also provides no life. Following God's call feels dangerous. It means you have to put your trust in Someone other than yourself, and that is more difficult than most of us Christians care to admit.

Snowy Range Day 3 & 4

Snowy Range Day 2

Snowy Range Day 1

Messy People

Why am I not more comfortable with being a mess? I think somewhere in my deluded mind I actually believe that I can get it together in this lifetime. Sometimes I catch myself actually thinking that for the most part I do a pretty good job, and don't have a lot of rough edges. Then I do something that reminds me that I am still a broken man who struggles.

Not long ago I watched a movie called "Reign Over Me" with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. First off I was stunned that Sandler is such a good dramatic actor. After 10 or so movies mostly filled with potty humor (we use the word potty in my house now with 2 kids), I assumed that is all he could do. Yet, this movie had me riveted within the first few minutes.

The story is about 2 dentists. Cheadle is the successful one whose whole life has become work. Sandler is the exact opposite. His character lost his entire family in the 9-11 attacks, and he has never recovered. He was once a successful dentist, but now he has regressed to a recluse who seems to have the mindset of a thirteen year old. In short he is a mess. The film centers around Cheadle's character's pursuit of Sandler, and his attempts to help this broken man heal.

What amazed me was how Cheadle kept pursuing Sandler despite the messiness that ensued. He never gave up, no matter how many times Sandler freaked out or retreated to his shell. It was powerful, and it was convicting for me. It was also powerful to see how through the course of the film Cheadle saw just how much mess was in his own life.

I spend an enormous amount of time in life trying to avoid mess. Mess in my own life and mess in the life of others. Mess makes me nervous, it feels out of control and risky. I want things neat and tidy, so that nothing is required of me...especially faith. What I am starting to learn is that life is about living in the mess. Because the mess ain't going away. It might get slightly better over time, but it is never going away this side of heaven.

In those brief moments when I truly accept the reality of my mess then I can see my need for Jesus. If the truth be told I love Him, but I don't want to have to need Him. I want to be okay on my own. I don't want to have to believe I am such a big mess that I need Him every day. Realizing your a mess means you need, and it also calls out your faith. We have 2 choices....either deny the mess exists, or accept the fact and hold onto Jesus for dear life with both hands.

I think that Don Cheadle's character was a powerful shadowy glimpse of God's heart. God pursues us in the midst of our mess. He is not shocked or grossed out by our mess. He understands we're broken humans that break things as we stumble around trying to get a grip on our world. He is not deterred by our mess.

In fact, I think he's more understanding of my mess than I am.

The Price of a Heart Alive

Being a counselor, other people's pain, my own pain, and the uncertainty of life can get the best of me. I have to admit I work hard to stay ahead of that stuff most of the time, and that is not always a good thing. But sometimes I just can't run fast enough, and it all washes over me. So, I sort of just sat there yesterday in a stunned silence.

I did have one lucid thought. It was, "to have a heart that is alive means that you will feel pain." Not exactly rocket science, but it hit me in a new way. There is a price to pay if you are going to be engaged with your own heart, and with life. It means that you will feel pain, and at times to an excruciating level.

I have spent a great deal of my life managing pain, and basically trying not to feel. Frankly, I still spend more energy doing that than I'd like to admit. When I decided to stop "managing" my pain through busyness, various addictions, and straight out denial something happened. I hurt! Exactly what I had been trying to avoid!

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

The whole thing reminded me of the scene in the Matrix where Morpheus presents Neo with the choice between the blue pill and the red pill. The blue pill meant very little pain, but it also meant a life asleep. The red pill would wake a person up to real life, and free them to truly live. It also meant that pain and suffering was felt in new and deeper ways unlike that experienced in the Matrix. Morpheus tells Neo, that he is only offering the truth, he gives no promises of a pain free experience.

I am still wrestling with how and why God uses pain. For now I know it leads me to think in terms of a larger reality....that this existence is not the end game. It also makes me hope for a better place, a true home. CS Lewis captured this hope when he wrote: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."