Now let me go on record with something right off: I am 100% for women being empowered. In fact I think strong women have and continue to make an important impact on our world. Also, I think a strong woman is extremely attractive. Throughout our marriage my wife has become stronger and stronger. As she has gotten stronger and more willing to call me out on my crap she has become more and more attractive to me. Her strength has also helped to guide our family, and frankly kept me from making some pretty dumb decisions. So, again I believe women are to be empowered. Let me also say that I think older men pursuing significantly younger women is just as disastrous as "cougarism" (my word). But for now I just want to focus on older women and younger men.
Growing up I had two experiences with cougars. Both happened later in high school and both were women that I trusted. Most people (especially guys) would probably think this was a dream come true to have an older woman pursuing you sexually. Let me say clearly that it wasn't. It was confusing and ultimately violating. At the time as a teenager I didn't have the words or emotional categories to really grasp what was going on. Frankly, in both cases I ran like a scared rabbit.
I really believe that this growing trend toward cougars comes as a result of weak men. I believe women have their part to own as well. Still, I believe that whenever there is a problem in the world, within a marriage, etc. men should be the first ones to own up to their part.
Throughout history men have done a terrible job of empowering women. This goes for the secular world as well as the church. We have not encouraged the strength of women, nor helped to foster it. We have also become extremely passive. We don't pursue women well, and we don't engage the deeper parts of their soul. This has left a great deal of women feeling both rejected and demeaned. This all boils down to fear. The fear is that if a woman is strong then it will call us to more as men. It is intimidating when my wife is not afraid to ask for what she needs from me. Because when she does I am forced to look at where I am being selfish or neglectful. Who wants to do that, right? Yet, it is what I need most as a man. I need a woman who can stand toe to toe and shoulder to shoulder. Because it doesn't allow me to sit on my butt and be passive.
Now the backlash to weak men has been a false model of feminine strength. Cougarism is a glaring example of this idea. Rather than being equal with a man cougarism is the desire to be more powerful than a man. And that is easy to do when you find one who is less mature. Maturity equals power. If I am older and more mature than you, I will be more powerful than you.
Cougarism pretends to provide two things for a woman. The first is that it means she never has to be in a place of weakness. She has all the power in the relationship because she is more mature. Second, she never has to risk rejection. As the more mature pursuer she doesn't have to wait on the man to seek out her heart. This is attractive because most women have waited and hoped for a man to pursue their hearts only to be left feeling forgotten.
To wrap up this trend of cougars worries me. Not because I am against women empowered, but because I believe it is damaging to both women and young men. Women need and deserve a man at their level who will pursue them, love them, and call them to more. Young men are not a challenge emotionally and that is what makes them attractive to a woman wounded by a misogynistic culture. And young men are frankly not mature enough to handle the emotional needs of an older woman.
More thoughts to come on this I'm sure. In the meantime I've put a link here to the latest episode of Cougar Town. What shook me to the core was the sequence near the end when two cougars talk about the smell of "wounded boy." I encourage you to watch for the themes I've been talking about.
